Music reviews. CD reviews. Critically hip!

First of all, if there’s gonna be a FREEDOM PARTY FOR INSECTS at Casa de Hartlaub, it’s gonna be in a roach motel. The first thing my children learned when they came of age was, when they saw a bug, go get dad. He’ll get rid of it.

Okay, we got that out of the way. Suzy Callahan, as near as I can determine, has been playing in punk and alternative rock bands since at least 1990, accompanied by a gent named Scott Tyburski, who makes his presence known on FREEDOM PARTY FOR INSECTS, her latest release, as well. This thing ain’t punk, not by a long shot. FREEDOM PARTY FOR INSECTS is not unlike the type of entertainment they’d bring in for freshman orientation week at the women’s dorm in the 1960s, when they still had women’s dorms. In other words, for the most part, it’s limp, self-absorbed crap that would go over big at a Unitarian new age gathering of one, but not anywhere else.

What’s wrong with this picture? Not everything. It’s not badly recorded, and Callahan has an interesting if not unique voice. The arrangements, all done by Tyburski, are nicely understated --- think “For No One” by the Beatles --- and Jim McCarty --- not the Cactus guitarist but the former Yardbirds drummer --- is along on “God Of Heartache.” Unfortunately, a lot of FREEDOM PARTY FOR INSECTS sounds as if it is a first take, with Callahan still working on the lyrics as she goes along. The worst part about the disc, however, are the songs, finished or not, which for the most part will stand on your last nerve. Ladies: if your boyfriend plays this CD, run like the wind. He’ll be borrowing your swimsuits, and not to indulge any fantasies involving you. And guys: if you start dating a woman who even owns this CD, let alone plays it, kick her to the curb. There will be nothing too mundane for her to whine about. I can hear my mortality draining away with every note. By the time I was halfway through, I was cataloging the things I could be doing, would rather be doing. “I Built A House For Frank Lloyd Wright” is one of the most self-absorbed three minutes I’ve heard since Natalie Merchant took her DVM boards. And yes, I get the stupid anti-war message, and even for a protest song it’s self absorbed. I mean, FREEDOM PARTY FOR INSECTS makes Natalie Maynes seem to have the humility of Mother Teresa. By the time I was done listening to it I was beginning to understand Chris Benoit’s mindset. But you know what? I hung in until the end, and at the very end of FREEDOM PARTY FOR INSECTS there are a couple of songs that aren’t bad. “Mr. Right” has some nice irony (but do women really want a guy like that?) and “I Smile,” which actually didn’t make me want to hang myself. It’s clever, almost sweet, and it makes you wonder why Callahan didn’t wait until she had a set of songs as good and clever as “I Smile” before she decided to unleash this on the world. If you want folk done consistently right, however, dig up one your dad’s Eric Andersen records or your uncle’s Tom Rush tapes. FREEDOM PARTY FOR INSECTS, however, goes in the skeet pile. BAMMMM!!!!