Music reviews. CD reviews. Critically hip!

I hate spiders. I mean, I HATE spiders. A 12 gauge shotgun locked and loaded with double-ought buck is not an overreaction to a corner critter. So…a movie about one? Nope. With a talking pig? Heck no. If I want to listen to a talking pig, I can see one every day anyway, ever since Rosie O’Donnell joined The View. I'll freely admit it: I requested CHARLOTTE’S WEB: Music Inspired By The Motion Picture for my tweenage daughter, so she’s have something to play besides the new Hannah Montana CD. I still, however, felt duty bound to listen to the CD before passing it on, and…actually, the most spoiled member of the Hartlaub family may really like this one, because it’s not bad at all.

Please note: this is music inspired by the motion picture, so it’s not necessarily music from the motion picture. No matter; Anyway, Hannah Montana’s daddy is on here, with what would pass for a country-rock power ballad entitled “I Wonder,” and that faux rough-edged delivery of his works just fine on here. Before you even get to it, however, there are a couple of tracks that will knock you on your keister with a whole bunch of power chords, namely “Everything You Ever Wanted” by Hawk Nelson and “Now That You've come Into My Life” by Mark Schultz, even as they slip that inspirational message in on you. Now, when people say “inspirational,” they mean “Christian,” but we're not allowed to say that, just like when you say “terrorist,” you really mean “Mu---”…Huh? Keep it moving? Okay. Anyway, as one would expect on an inspirational CD, there’s an Amy Grant song, this one being “I Will Be Your Friend,“ from several years ago, and I can't really comment on that, because I have had a mad crush on her ever since she had videos on MTV, and even though she’s old enough to be my…well, my wife, I can't wait for tomorrow because she gets better looking every day. Anyway, I'm biased. I'm also biased, in a much different way, about Bob Carlisle, who is also on this disc with “Make A Wish.” Carlisle creeps me out, and it’s not even his fault; he had a hit called “Butterfly Kisses” several years ago, and a couple of years after that an, uh, “alternative lifestyle” group used the title for the name of their website, which was an instructional manual on how women could seduce young girls. He was appalled, and so was I, but I have to make a mental jump every time I hear that song, which isn't on CHARLOTTE’S WEB. I gotta tell you, however, that I probably wouldn't like “Make A Wish” anyway, for the same reason that I didn't care for “Beautiful World” by Leigh Nash, though it’s better than anything that Graham Nash ever did! They're too slow and dreamy, like a Foo Fighters’ ballad, with the sex and drug references.

I'm more into the power songs, but my daughter likes both, and you're probably a little uneasy about letting your daughter listen to some of the heavier stuff, so rest assured, CHARLOTTE’S WEB: Music Inspired By The Motion Picture, has plenty of both. And  Bob Carlisle is a good guy, even if there are people out there who aren't. None of them are on here.